Bream Gives Me Hiccups by Jesse Eisenberg

Author:Jesse Eisenberg
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Atlantic Books Ltd

September 29

Dear Miss Rita,

Thank you so much for your letter! I am so relieved you wrote back, mainly because right after I wrote to you, I got so embarrassed. I thought you might not remember me or maybe you would hate me. But you do remember me and you obviously don’t hate me.

And your letter was SO nice, even though it was kind of short.1

Anyway, I took your advice about being nicer to my roommate,2 but it didn’t exactly work out like I/you hoped.

Okay, so you told me that instead of secretly “harboring hatred” for The Slutnick, I should try to “engage” with her3 and ask her if she wants to hang out.

So I did that. As soon as I finished reading your letter,4 I asked The Slutnick if she wanted to do something outside the dorm room, like something social.

So Slutnick says, “Sure, what did you have in mind?”

And I say, “Anything you want.”

And I thought she would suggest something normal, like getting a cup of coffee or going to Chipotle.

But the SN says, “My sorority is holding a fundraiser tonight to raise money for Huntington’s disease. Why don’t you come with me and help out?”

And before I could say no to the Single Worst Invitation I’ve Ever Received, I said, “Sure, I’d love to.”

Okay, rewind for a second!

So The Slutnick is in a sorority, which is just some bullshit way for her to make friends with other fat girls, because if she wasn’t in the sorority, she would just be a fat girl with no friends.5

BUT. I was trying to keep an open mind like you told me to do. But not only did I have to go to this dumb thing, I actually had to work at it.

But I just kept thinking, “What would Miss Rita do?”6

And I thought you would probably tell me to go to the fundraiser and put a smile on my face, even if it means I’m not smiling on the inside.

And you know how hard it is for me to meet new people. I always do that thing, remember? Where I think everyone is secretly laughing at me all the time. And I was worried that I would go to the sorority thing and everyone would think I was a loser because I wasn’t in one7 and I would be so embarrassed and I’d be trying to smile but actually just wanting to die.

So: The Fundraiser:

It was held at an underage music venue called the Rotting Tree8 and the sorority was charging ten dollars admission to see some crappy local girl band named 77 Cents play their crappy feminist bullshit songs.

When we got there, it was already pretty busy.9 And as soon as we walked in, The Slutnick immediately became a different person.10 She started hugging everyone and squealing like an idiot and calling the other girls her “sisters” in a really forced way.11 And she was kind of trying to include me by saying, “This is Harper, she wanted to volunteer.

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